The worst date in the history of eHarmony

You heard it here first. Okay, it may not be the absolute worst, I mean, I'm sure someone else has been sold into sex slavery or their kidneys have been removed, but it's gotta rank pretty high up there as far as dates with no charges being pressed.

So I had yet another eHarm 'first date' tonight. There have been a few others since the last time I talked about it with you guys, but none worth talking about, no spark, a few beers, nice to meet cha aaaaand we're done. This one will be a date that lives in infamy.

So we'll call this guy....TURQUOISE BOOTS GUY because as a matter of fact he was wearing TURQUOISE BOOTS. Cowboy boots to be exact. Okay, I'm breezy, I'm non-judgemental, I can go with the flow here. Truth be told, by our conversation a few days ago I knew this wasn't going to be a match, but I went ahead and went to have a few beers anyway. I mean, just because we didn't click on the phone doesn't mean we might not click in person, right?

(I swear to you, change the black for tan and these are them)

WRONG. So we get to the bar around the same time. He goes to get us a few beers. While he's up at the bar he chats up a young, blond thang for about 5 minutes. mmmmm, okay, I've said like two words to you and you're already hitting on someone else? Sigh...Megan feel like Quasimodo...even though dude looks like Jean Claude Van Dam and was wearing TURQUOISE BOOTS.

So he gets back to the table and we're chatting. The conversation is flowing alright, not great, but we are finding things to talk about. I ask him about his job, pharmaceutical sales. I've heard of that job at least 1000 times over but never really knew what it was they did. So being a considerate and inquisitive person I asked. He started explaining. When he got done I said 'so do you get to take doctors out for swanky dinner and golf and stuff?' he said yes. I then mentioned that my mom used to work for a dermatologist and that they often got swag from the pharm sales guys and always liked them. Then he said 'yes, we bring in lunches and stuff too' I said, that's really cool. He said, 'HEY, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M JUST A CATERER!'. Aaaaa sphincter says what? My eyes got really wide and I went into apologetic mode. 'oh my goodness! was I implying that that's what I thought you did all day? That's not what I meant at all, I was just saying how it would be fun....' 'I GOT A COLLEGE DEGREE YOU KNOW' he fires back before I can finish responding. 'Oh, yeah I know that, I wasn't implying....' 'I MEAN, I KNOW I'M NOT AN ENGINEER' ummmm, okay..we haven't talked about my job at all here turquoise boot lover...I haven't mentioned once about my job, my humongous brain or the fact that I'm the smartest person on the face of the universe. Sooooo, what gives dick wad? I then make the common girl error of trying to downplay my own degree so as not to infuriate him even more....saying that it's not really that big of a deal...that it's overrated. Gah, I'm such a dipshit sometimes. I mean, this guy starts going off for no apparent reason and here I am trying to make him feel better by making myself look dumb? I wanted to kick my own shins under the table.

okay, fine...let's get past this. So we continue to talk (awkward much?) and at one point he brings up 'yeah, I don't think you have the personality for sales'. Ummmmm, thanks, but I didn't ask you if I did Jean Claude van Boot Boy. And basically, by telling me this, you're trying to get back at me (for my imaginary assault on you) and tell me I have a bad personality. Which, I may be a lot of things...I may say bad things about 90% of my body parts and declare to the world that my chin hairs are out of control but one thing you will not catch me degrading is my personality. Nobody is perfect, but I think I'm a fun person to be around (which is obvious by this post I AM FUN DAMNIT!). So put that in your peace pipe and smoke it. Again, I sit there with a smile on my face and tell him 'wow, so you're saying I have a shitty personality' and he says 'no, that's not what I said'. I let it drop.


About that time two guys come up to our table. One of them is his frat brother from college. Oooooh goody. So he doesn't introduce me (thanks) but the frat brother keeps going on and on about how he did all TURQUOISE BOOT BOY's papers and his take home tests for him. I'm trying with every fiber of my being to keep my shit together and keep from busting out laughing. 'I GOT A COLLEGE DEGREE, YOU KNOW' is sooo ringing though my fuckin' ears. Anyway somehow it gets mentioned that his older brother valet parked one time for Stevie Ray Vaughn (obviously a long time ago). When they leave I mention how cool that is. BTW, for those of you that don't know, I'm obsessed with blues/blues-rock music and SRV is one of my fav fav favorites....just keep that in your back pocket.


So after I tell him that's really cool and how much I like SRV he said 'you know he's dead, right?' Ummmm, yeah he died in like 1990 in a helicopter crash, thanks. Then he asks, 'do you even know who he is?' WHAT? this is just getting bizarre. I tell you I'm a fan of this man's music. I tell you that I know he's dead and NOW you're asking me if I even know who he is? I say yes and start talking about some of his mannerisms and how guys who play blues guitar tend to get funny faces when they play....still a bit stunned that he's so adamant that I don't know what I'm talking about.



Well, we've obviously had about enough for the evening...after his admission of doing cocaine (I'll just leave that one alone), his questioning why in the hell I would live where I do (to be far away from you idiot-boy) and just our general disdain of each other we decide to hit the road.


Now, I am fanatical about saying 'thank you' to people. If someone buys me a drink, I always say thank you. open the door? thank you. Serve me food in a restaurant? thank you. Shit, if you were to tell me 'you don't have the biggest butt I've ever seen, I've seen at least two that are bigger', I would probably follow that comment up with....wait for it....'thank you'. But ya know what? I did NOT say thank you to this guy. I just couldn't. I don't care that he bought me two Miller Lights...the plague on my eyes from the turquoise boots and the assault on my ears from his nonsensical rantings was plenty enough to balance out the two beers.


We walked out to our cars...him walking in front of me (gentlemanly and all)...and he actually has the nerve to say 'I'll call you sometime and we can grab another drink'. Shocked, I mutter 'sure thing' as I hurry into my car and peel away. Smoke was coming from my tires, I tell ya.


For real? For real eHarmony? That Dr. Neil Warren full of shit, man. (name that movie)


I've decided that I have certainly been too goal oriented when it came to this go round of eHarmony. Must.find.relationship. After this? I have changed my setting to receive no new matches and will not be going out on anymore dates. I was happy being single before I started this and I'll be happy once I quit. And as God as my witness, I'm staying single for a while (as if there was another option given the shenanigans of late?). God....if you're listening, you're going to have to plop a man directly in my lap and make him aggressive as hell for me to pay attention. Otherwise, I'm officially on hiatus as of this very moment. Amen, peace be with you, and in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Sprite....I mean Spirit.