Life stories of a girl and her neuroses: Greeeeen Acres is the place to be....

If my career as a Telecom Goddess doesn't work out I have decided that I will not be able to fall back on farming. I know this seems counterintuitive since I live somewhat in the sticks, but on a whim I decided to try my hand at a little growing and let me tell you...this Green Acres is NOT the place to be if you're hungry. I will say I have gotten SOME fruits of my labor (make that veggies of my labor). To date I've eaten 2 tomatoes and one zucchini. I guess for the amount of effort I've put into it (read: very little) that's productive enough. But I somehow was holding out hope that I would be a natural; that I'd have to open a produce stand because I had so much bounty. Unfortunately, this is not the case, heck, I'm having a hard time distinguishing between my watermelon and my cantaloupe plant.

First, the basics. For my first fore into farming I decided to plant the following:

1 tomato plant
1 red bell pepper plant
1 cantaloupe plant
1 watermelon plant
3 zucchini plants

Everyone says zucchinis are soooo easy to grow. You will have to beg people to take them off your hands.
exibit #1: http://www.crazyauntpurl.com/archives/2007/07/houston_we_have.php
Well, unless I cut mine into 100 pieces and suddenly have a stomach the size of a thimble, I'm not begging anyone to take anything. To be honest, I'm just asking that my plant stop being gay. What? A gay zucchini plant? Yeah, that's right...although my zucchini had a brief fling with being straight, I think it mostly swings the other way. Apparently zuchichini have male and female flowers and just like in the human world you can't make a zucchini baby without having a mommy and a daddy and a little intervention by mister bee (okay, maybe the bee part is different in the human world but you get the picture). So, to date I have mostly male flowers (yes, I know the difference, the internet is greatness) and the handful of female flowers I HAVE had have not been sexed up...so even when given the chance, the males aren't interested. Are these zucchinis representative of my love life? Damn I hope not.

Next, on to the pictures. A picture is worth 1000 words and since I've already written about 1000 I figure the next 10,000 can be in pictures.

#1 Sad, sad Mr. Tomato plant that looked so promising many moons ago and then suddenly got diseased looking. What the hell? Is my tomato plant hitting it's teenage phase and sneaking off in the middle of the night and carousing with dirty, bad-boy tomato plants? I'm kinda sad that the poor little tomatoes won't ever get to live out their destiny and see my belly, but I guess that's nature for ya.

#2 the red pepper plant. Looks promising with it's one whole pepper (note though that it's GREEN, not RED)....I'm sure a bird/rabbit/armadillo will come and eat it tonight now that I've sung it's praises.

#3 Watermelon/cantaloupe plant #1. This one is taking over my yard, growing approximately 12 inches a day and threatening to strangle me in the night. Yet somehow it is only producing olive size fruits which then shrivle and die. yum.

#4 Watermelon/cantaloupe plant #2. Do you see what I mean? What the heck IS that? It's not green like a watermelon, it's not round and rough like a cantaloupe....I think the gay/bi-zucchini got it on with the watermelon plant and these are their love children. Time will tell what they are...or more likely they will rot and die before I ever find out.

#5 And finally, the loud and proud gay zucchini. You'll see there's one okay looking specimen followed by two puny, shriveled, if it was a penis on a man I'd laugh, specimens.