I don't travel well story #857

Yes, it's me again, the girl who has mishaps every time she travels. My trip to a city 300 miles away is no exception, which is sad and pathetic.

So I brought my workout clothes along with me this past weekend because I was feeling particularly ambitious and particularly fat. On Saturday morning i woke up and decided "I'm going to go for a run around the neighborhood." It's a lovely, big, nice neighborhood and the weather is perfect so I said get your big butt up and run. So I did. I tried to make sure I was keeping track of where I ran, where I turned etc. so I could find my way back. I had joked with Annie and Devin before I left that if I wasn't back in an hour, come looking for me. I did not bring my phone with me (because how cumbersome is a phone? very!).

I am usually cautious when faced with new area and try not to stay far, but this time I decided to be adventurous, because it's not like I could run around the block for an hour. So I ran, and ran and ran and ran. And it felt good. And the scenery was beautiful. At the 45 minute mark I was thinking I needed to head on back and that's when trouble began. I had gone down two major roads in the neighborhood. Now only if I could remember what street to turn on from there. If only. I kept thinking 'oh, it's just a little further down this street'...then I came to the end of the road. literally. Crap. So I'm standing there drenched with sweat, holding my iPod, listening to Depeche mode and looking around like a kid who's lost their mom in the grocery store. I'm already pretty pooped from the run so I don't feel like walking around for an hour will be productive or easy. So I look around...what to do, what to do...I panic a little thinking 'oh Lord, I'm going to have to live on the streets and panhandle for money. I will be destitute! I will have to sell my body for money (which will be hard given it's current, smelly condition). Obviously these are rationale thoughts.

Suddenly I see a model home...bingo! I'll just go in there, I'm sure they'll be able to help me! So I walk in. Thank goodness there are no potential new homeowners, me dripping sweat would have for sure deterred them away from their $400,000 home purchase. This very nice lady comes around the corner and I immediately start explaining what a 30 year old sweaty girl is doing standing in her gorgeous model home. I explain that I'm visiting friends and I've gone for a run and lost my way. I tell her that I know it's somewhere around here I'm just not sure where. She instructs me to go get some water (I'm assuming I look parched at the moment) and then she'll try to help. She just kept saying 'bless your heart' and 'aren't you just so sweet!' No lady, I'm 2 IQ points away from mentally challenged thankyouverymuch. She also says that she's sure this happens all the time. At this point nI'm not sure if she means to ME or to others. Either way I am feeling very dipshitty. Then she asks what street they live on....uhhhhh, I don't know. how about their phone number.....uhhhhh, I don't know that either. Crud. I tell her that their little subdivision starts with 'Acorn', does that help? She gives me a pity look and says no. So I ask to use the internet. She offers to go get paper towels out of her car....due to my excessive sweating (it's Houston people! It's HOT!). Uhhhh, my shame is building which is making me sweat more. So I hop on the computer and look up Annie and Devin...no listing. I look up her parents. I come across a phone number and call it and it ends up being their law firm. no help. So I do what anyone would do. I call my mom. 'Mom!! What's Annie's phone number?' I explain the situation and she comes back with 'Well, you should have taken your phone with you' After my silence to that response she says 'well, I guess it's too late for that' uh huh. too late indeed.

She doesn't have their phone number but I did give her their address. perfect! I look it up in google maps...not found...mapquest...not found. Holy shit, their address is so new that it's not on any maps yet. Panic is setting in again. Finally I call information in a last ditch effort to get their number...I am hoping and praying they aren't unlisted. Finally! Success! So I call Annie and Devin. They both pick up the phone. "I'm lost!" I say in my most pathetic voice. They start laughing and tell me they were getting worried and were about to come looking for me. 'Where are you?'they say. Uhhhhh, how the hell should I know?? Finally I get the street and Devin promises to come pick me up. I chat it up with the lady who is still calling me 'sweet' and 'precious' and I promise her if I ever move to Houston I'll buy a house from her. Which is a boldface lie since those suckers at like half a mil. (for those of you not from Texas, that buys you a ridiculously big house, not a crackerbox condo like in California) okay, so maybe I'd consider it if I marry wealthy. ANYway, I digress. So it takes about 5 minutes for Devin to arrive and the saleslady keeps kinda looking at me like 'I wonder if someone is actually going to pick this woman up?' Finally Devin pulls up and I thank her for her troubles (she had gone to a neighbors house to ask if they knew where Annie and Devin's street was and offered to drive me around in her car) and I sulked out to the car with my most pathetic look on my face. Devin is sick as all getout but is taking much pleasure out of my misfortune and is laughing hysterically. 'Just take me home' I say.

Well, at least I gave a few people a good laugh and gave the saleslady something to talk about when she got home from work. Needless to say, in the future I will either be a) buying a GPS I can strat to my wrist or b) taking my cellphone out on jogs in unfamiliar neighborhoods.

::Sigh:: can I not travel ANYWHERE without something nutty happening?




On another note I have been cussing at a four week old. For reals. And I find that it's very effective. I was holding Reagan a lot this weekend and anytime she got fussy I'd look her in the eye and say 'No crying. This is bullshit.' She looks up at me like 'huh?' but then stops. So don't tell Annie, but is her first word is 'bullshit' it's totally my fault. But I say it very sweetly cause ya know, she's a baby...that should count for something!