Monday Monday....

Hello out there! Thank you for all of your questions, both posted in the comments and through e-mails. I will take a stab at the first few tonight.

Before I do, I have to say thank God for the gym. I haven’t worked out in like a month so I finally got my marshmallow ass movin and went to the gym last night and tonight. Can I tell you how good I feel? I feel fabulous!! For real! It must be the endorphins talking right now or as Amber likes to say the ‘dolphins’. We are both firm believers that ‘dolphins’ make you happy. I am also a firm believer that when I feel like the marshmallow guy from Ghostbusters, all is not right with the world. I literally imagine my butt as a big marshmallow. Squishy and white. Ha ha!

The other thing I would like to bring up is that it is 100%, completely YOUR fault that I did’t run a 10k this past weekend. Totally. Your. Fault. No no, don’t try to skirt your responsibility. I told you to keep me accountable for staying on track. Did I hear one peep from you? Noooooo. Okay, I’m kidding, but I am rather sad that I fell off the wagon so fast with that goal. Maybe the key here is not to tell you any goals and then I will accomplish them all. I think I may be more of a self-motivator…too much pressure when someone is looking over your shoulder, so to speak.

Anyway, onto the questions:

Annie asked: How do you keep rolled up clumps of cat hair from becoming tumbleweed on your hardwood floor?

Impossible. Actually impossible. I did not realize when I put down dark hardwoods that the amount of hair deposited on a hourly basis would be enough to spin into yarn and weave three sweaters if I ever followed through with my hobby of knitting. Here is an example:

before:

after:

2 seconds later:

Swear to you. So I’m thinking of inventing a vent system in homes that just constantly sucks crap to the side of the floor and then collects it in some bag under the house. This may be difficult for those of us in Texas that don’t have basements and ‘under the house’ means ‘the concrete slab’ but nonetheless it could be done. I’d just have to make sure the suction wasn’t so strong that you’d come home to find your pets stuck to the floor. Meow!

Annie also asked: When you dance around your house naked, because we all do it, what song do you dance to?

Ha ha Annie, you know me too well even though we’ve never lived together. Actually I don’t dance naked around the house, really just my bedroom and bathroom. I’m afraid even though I have blinds that people can see in the windows I don’t have curtains on. If I have to make a naked run to the kitchen or something I literally walk really fast and cover my boobs. Yeah, I’m a freak that way.

Back to your question. I practice all my good dance club moves as well as stripper moves in my room so usually the music is more booty shakin’. I have to get some occasional mirror time in too just so I can ‘approve’ the dance moves. There have been more than a few that have been ixnayed after the mirror test. So, maybe a little 50 cent, Janet Jackson, JT, ya know…anything with a good beat.

Sizzle asked: What are the top five qualities you desire in a significant other and why?

Ooooo, maybe I should know these off the top of my head. Let me think….okay, here they are:

#1 Sense of humor - #1, can’t live without it. I laugh every day and need someone who will laugh alongside me.
#2 Love of animals – no ifs ands or buts. If they don’t care for animals, I don’t care for them
#3 Thoughtful - little thoughtful gestures keep me swooning whether it’s day 1 or day 1200.
#4 Not a wimp – can take control of a situation. Has an opinion. Isn’t afraid to speak his mind. Has a backbone. I do not want to be the dominant person in the relationship. I want that to be a shared thing.
#5 Smart – I want someone who can have deep conversations, enjoys a good debate and who just generally is a mix of street and book smart.

If any of you know of someone who fits the profile above please send him overnight delivery to me. You can even do it COD.

Someone who wished to remain anon asked: Which famous woman would you have sex with if your life depended on it?

Okay, I know she’s only semi-famous but I think she’s so cool. She has her own show now “LA Ink”. Kat Von Dee. If my life depended on it I would totally sleep with her.

A different anon asked: Favorite condiment?

This anon should know me well enough to know that I don’t ‘do’ a lot of condiments. As a kid I did zero…no ketchup, mustard, mayo, salad dressing…not even spaghetti sauce (which isn’t really a condiment, but shows the depths of my pickiness). I am still very anti ketchup and mustard. I would rather not eat then eat something with either of these on my food. I don't care if it's been 'scraped' off. eww. ewww. gross. I don't eat mayo on sandwiches, really only if it's in something prior to me getting it will I eat it. My favorite condiment is therefore, ranch dressing (yes, I realize there is mayo in it). I am a connoisseur of ranch. I know the places that have good ranch and those that have the bottle Hidden Valley shit. (gag). I could eat ranch on just about anything. fo real. I obviously try to limit my intake of that yummy stuff but it is still a weakness.

Okay, that's it for tonight. Tomorrow you will get a few more. I'd hate to wear you all out with them all at once. Becuase even though I'm the most interesting person on the planet, even I can only take so much of moi.

Champagne wishes and ranch flavored toothpaste dreams. (okay, I took it too far)